When God Ruins My Plans

When I am not lazy, I am a planner by heart. I like to plan out my days in my head, from what I will be doing at 8:00 AM tomorrow, to big goals that I aim to accomplish by the end of the year. I enjoy mapping out my schedule, and sometimes when I am bored, I will jot down what I envision my day to be in one-hour increments. Or, I will create checklists of things to do because I not only love planning, but I like executing. Being idle and not having something to do, not having set plans, makes me feel uneasy and restless. Even when plans oftentimes go awry, I am usually okay as long as I have anticipated beforehand that things might not work out, or at least have thought of a couple backup scenarios that might be just as satisfactory as my original schemes.

Does this make me sound crazy?

Anyway, my point is, I like when things go accordingly to my ways. When plans fall through, especially if it was something that I really wanted to do, I know it is God’s way of sanctifying me. When the unexpected happens and I don’t foresee the changes, I have no doubt that God is teaching me to stop desiring control and to submit to His Lordship.

In fact, I am learning this lesson as I type because my plans got messed up today.

Called To Repentance

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.

Psalm 62

One thing I’ve learned over the years, and something that I’m continuing to experience in my spiritual walk, is that God uses my idols to break me. It takes a good trial or two for me to recognize what I place my hope in and what my heart worships instead of God. To borrow some words from a friend’s recent blog post, “Trials will devastate your idols.“ While trials are oftentimes painful (or else they wouldn’t be categorized as one), it’s usually a good wake-up call for me to see areas that I need further growth in.

Lately, I’ve realized that I really idolize my relationships with others. It dawned on me that I love my friends more than I love God. I care more about people and I desire a deeper connection with them than I do with my Savior. My schedule revolves around these relationships and I would go as far as sacrificing alone time with God so that I could spend time with people. I could go days without reading God’s Word but I can’t go a few hours without checking out my Instagram feed because I want to be updated and to “stay connected.” Their presence and their words sometimes mean more to me than Scripture. Why go to God alone in prayer when a text message to a friend is faster? Why seek comfort and rest in Christ when I could call up someone and they could encourage me?

The only major problem is that there is no substitute for God because only God can satisfy my soul. My security wasn’t being rooted in my identity as a beloved, adopted daughter of the mighty creator of this universe. Instead, I found my affirmation and purpose through my earthly relationships. I lived for them — and I think I still do.

Weekly Favorite Links (April 30-May 6, 2015)

(Photo Via)

In case you haven’t noticed, it’s been a little bit quiet around here besides these weekly favorite links posts. Something that I haven’t yet mentioned on here is that I’ve been in a career transition for almost a month now (omgoodness time fliiiieeess). In other words, I’ve been funemployed. The crazy thing is that my life’s only gotten busier. How is that even possible? I don’t even know. It just turned out that way.

A lot of people in my life have been kindly checking in on me and one of the first questions they ask is to see how funemployment is turning out. To be honest, I never quite know how to answer them because I assume that they’re expecting me to reply with a “it’s been really chill and boring,” or “it’s okay, just job hunting,” or some other answer that they’ve already pre-conceived in their minds. Instead, when I tell them that it’s been pretty productive, I’m assuming that a lot of them only half-believe me and I always feel there’s a need to explain myself. So then I go and try to accurately paint a picture of what my schedule looked like during the week. (Don’t even get me started on weekends.)

It’s interesting that I feel the need to justify myself in other people’s eyes, or that I even care about what they think of me. It’s humbling to admit that I want to sound really productive, not just because it’s true, but because I want to gain recognition in their eyes. I know all of them genuinely mean well, but I also struggle with pride and don’t want them to think anything less of me because I’m not working right now at a 9-5 — thoughts that I’m lazy, unproductive, just wasting time, etc. In reality, perhaps none of them think any differently of me during this life stage, and it’s just all in my head, but I’m scared that they will.

There’s a strong temptation for me to get trapped with thoughts that are based off of my own interpretations and assumptions. It’s a silly, dangerous game that I play every day. In my heart of hearts, I want to be liked and affirmed by others. I seek their approval and worry whether I’ll fall short of their expectations for me. Believe me, I know it sounds really silly, but this battle is real. I have to remind myself that my worth is not found in my job title, or the numbers in my bank account, nor is it found in my ministries or relationships. It is also not found in being busy and productive. Instead of worrying about how others perceive me, I need to focus on how God views me and how I can use my time here on this earth more wisely to glorify him. My circumstances should not and will not define my character. The truth is, my worth is not found in my accomplishments or appearances, but on Christ’s accomplishments for me on that rugged cross so that I could have the freedom to worship God. Therefore, the only one I ever need to please, the only one that I should fear more, is him.