Suffering Well

“How are you?”

This is a question I’ve been asked a lot lately. Sometimes it’s just a greeting, which may usually get my automatic usual response of “I’m doing good, how are you?”. However, when this question is being asked out of genuine care and concern for my well-being (which is quite often), I know that my automatic response can’t fool the ones asking me, so I’ll pause to answer because it really depends moment by moment. There are certainly happy days – days when life feels a bit normal and I am able to laugh and feel grateful for how far I’ve come and where God has placed me. But then there are many lonely nights when I’m just lying down, curled into a fetal position, crying out to God to take away my pain, my hurt, my longings. To restore what has been broken. To help me to surrender and to trust in the unknown. To give me new desires.

Honestly, it’s super embarrassing and humbling to admit that some days are just so hard. I don’t like working through my emotions or revealing my weaknesses. Waking up and facing each new day is a battle for me. I’m still sad and confused; processing and grieving; waiting and trying to be still.

What has been surprising to me throughout this journey is that as I’m confessing my feelings and thoughts to others, as I am sharing my sorrows and grief, friends and my church family have shared that seeing my vulnerability has been an encouragement to their faith. That my brokenness inspires them to cling to God and to persevere in their trials. That probably shouldn’t come as a surprise, but it does shock me when I’m sitting there with endless snot, flowing tears, puffy eyes, and a piled stack of crumbled tissues and feeling like a pitiful train wreck (sorry for the realistic imagery). To be frank, I wish I could hide this pain from others but I couldn’t even if I tried. God continues to remind me that “His power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9), so the more that I share, the more that my hurting heart begins to see His goodness, His faithfulness, His sovereign love for me. How can I not see when the messages or invitations to fellowship were divinely ordained by God? (I’ve had more than one person in the past several months suddenly reach out to me, sometimes not even knowing what I was going through, and said that God placed me on their hearts.) How can I deny the fact that God is listening to me or that His ways are better than mine? Answer: I can’t. I am learning that His grace is sufficient for me every day. I don’t have to worry about tomorrow; He’ll take care of my needs today.

So when I’m feeling utterly helpless, tired, and in despair, I remember that my Shepherd is waiting for me. To go to Him because He already knows all of me, to cry out before Him, and He will ultimately lead me to greener pastures and restore my soul.

We don’t get to choose how our story ends, but if there’s one thing I pray for more than anything for myself, it’s to be able to suffer well and to share my sufferings with others so that the light of Christ may be seen today.

For further articles that have encouraged me recently, I recommend the following:

Growing My Faith in the Face of Death by Tim Keller

We Cannot Cling to Bitterness and God by Vaneetha Rendall Risner

Has God Withheld Good from Me? by Vaneetha Rendall Risner

Thy Word Is Not a MagLite by Tim Challies

Pray Because God Is Sovereign by Marshall Segal