Suffering Well

“How are you?”

This is a question I’ve been asked a lot lately. Sometimes it’s just a greeting, which may usually get my automatic usual response of “I’m doing good, how are you?”. However, when this question is being asked out of genuine care and concern for my well-being (which is quite often), I know that my automatic response can’t fool the ones asking me, so I’ll pause to answer because it really depends moment by moment. There are certainly happy days – days when life feels a bit normal and I am able to laugh and feel grateful for how far I’ve come and where God has placed me. But then there are many lonely nights when I’m just lying down, curled into a fetal position, crying out to God to take away my pain, my hurt, my longings. To restore what has been broken. To help me to surrender and to trust in the unknown. To give me new desires.

Honestly, it’s super embarrassing and humbling to admit that some days are just so hard. I don’t like working through my emotions or revealing my weaknesses. Waking up and facing each new day is a battle for me. I’m still sad and confused; processing and grieving; waiting and trying to be still.

Knowing God

I’m still processing over the events that have happened to me recently, trying to figure out what forgiveness might look like and what will it take for me to move on from this traumatic heartbreak and to have closure. It has become more and more clear that what I chose was the wisest decision, that obedience to Christ is better than whatever temporary sorrow and despair that I feel now. This doesn’t mean that I haven’t felt resentment or bitterness. Oh, on the contrary, I think I’ve gone through every possible emotion in the last three months!

And yet, despite all of this, I can’t believe that my heart has grown to love Jesus more. I’m learning that I can run to Him and bring all my emotions to Him (yes, even the ugly ones!). There have been many moments of desperation and in those times, even when I can’t stop the stream of endless tears from flowing down my face, I have a gentle assurance and conviction that God is worthy of my trust. He is speaking to me through Scripture. He is speaking to me through family and friends who are praying for me, caring for me, and spurring me on to finish this race well. He is faithful to me.

Praise God in the Waiting

I have not written on this blog in years. In fact, it’s been a long time since I have even been on this blogging platform. Interestingly enough, I have spent the last several days re-reading and pondering my old posts because the truths that I wrote about four to five years ago still apply. It is amazing that God is still teaching me the same lessons over and over again, and reading my words from the old me was somehow such an encouragement to my present self.

Well, where do I even begin?

The past year has been difficult, to say the least. A tragic, abrupt death of a close friend. My family split into two time zones. A loved one being diagnosed with cancer. An unexpected global pandemic. Shattered dreams of a future that I thought was so secure.

There have been plenty of sleepless nights for me lately (and as I’m typing this, tonight is one of them). Yet despite the waves of my emotions of grief, anxiety, and helplessness, I cannot help but be in awe of God. He is clearly at work in my life. He is calling me to surrender and relinquish control. This sorrow is not wasted; this pain is clearly for a purpose. These trials are for my good and somehow God is redeeming all of my suffering for His glory.

My friend, musicgoon, recently gifted me a book titled “Mercy For Today: A Daily Prayer from Psalm 51” by Jonathan Parnell, which may be very well be on its way to becoming one of my favorite new books for the year. In one of the chapters, Parnell says,

When God Ruins My Plans

When I am not lazy, I am a planner by heart. I like to plan out my days in my head, from what I will be doing at 8:00 AM tomorrow, to big goals that I aim to accomplish by the end of the year. I enjoy mapping out my schedule, and sometimes when I am bored, I will jot down what I envision my day to be in one-hour increments. Or, I will create checklists of things to do because I not only love planning, but I like executing. Being idle and not having something to do, not having set plans, makes me feel uneasy and restless. Even when plans oftentimes go awry, I am usually okay as long as I have anticipated beforehand that things might not work out, or at least have thought of a couple backup scenarios that might be just as satisfactory as my original schemes.

Does this make me sound crazy?

Anyway, my point is, I like when things go accordingly to my ways. When plans fall through, especially if it was something that I really wanted to do, I know it is God’s way of sanctifying me. When the unexpected happens and I don’t foresee the changes, I have no doubt that God is teaching me to stop desiring control and to submit to His Lordship.

In fact, I am learning this lesson as I type because my plans got messed up today.