Knowing God

I’m still processing over the events that have happened to me recently, trying to figure out what forgiveness might look like and what will it take for me to move on from this traumatic heartbreak and to have closure. It has become more and more clear that what I chose was the wisest decision, that obedience to Christ is better than whatever temporary sorrow and despair that I feel now. This doesn’t mean that I haven’t felt resentment or bitterness. Oh, on the contrary, I think I’ve gone through every possible emotion in the last three months!

And yet, despite all of this, I can’t believe that my heart has grown to love Jesus more. I’m learning that I can run to Him and bring all my emotions to Him (yes, even the ugly ones!). There have been many moments of desperation and in those times, even when I can’t stop the stream of endless tears from flowing down my face, I have a gentle assurance and conviction that God is worthy of my trust. He is speaking to me through Scripture. He is speaking to me through family and friends who are praying for me, caring for me, and spurring me on to finish this race well. He is faithful to me.

It doesn’t make sense, but I desire to understand God’s heart for me. I’m thirsty to know God more. I desire for this present suffering to not be a waste, but to be faithful to what has been given to me. I am praying that my broken heart will break further over sin in this world and for the lost. I don’t want to seek after what is transient and insignificant. I don’t want to chase after the short-lived comforts of the American dream. What might cause one person to completely abandon their faith and to reject the gospel message has caused me to cling all the more dear to my Savior. But only by the grace of God. It doesn’t make sense, but I’m so thankful that it is God who is holding onto me and sustaining me and comforting me. I’m grateful because I know it’s the Holy Spirit softening my own rebellious heart and showing me that God’s kindness is meant to lead me towards repentance. I know for certain that God is real and I want to know Him more this year than ever before.

I don’t have a plan for myself anymore. I don’t know where God will lead me next. But what I do know is this: I will never regret choosing to follow Jesus. By His mercy and grace, I am striving to seek after His gentle and lowly heart and to share with others that Christ is our living hope.