This is My Prayer

Today was harder than expected. It is an anniversary, but not really one that is cause for celebration. Perhaps it’s better to call it a milestone, one that I don’t think I’ll be able to forget for the rest of my life but hopefully will be less painful to remember year after year. Yet today was admittedly more difficult than I prepared myself for.

One blessing was that I was asked to sing and serve with friends for the worship service today. I’ve shared in previous blog posts that singing has been helpful in this journey. One of the songs chosen was a new addition to the set of songs we usually play throughout this year. It was actually an old song from the past and I was thankful that it was chosen on such a day like this. I found myself trying to keep it together, so let me share these appropriate lyrics that I’ve sung on repeat today to remind my grieving and doubting heart that I have reasons to sing and praise my Heavenly Father who loves me.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

Oceanside Pier, San Diego Photoshoot

My dear friends and the couple behind Chus’ Life will soon be celebrating their wedding anniversary. It seems not long ago when Tiffany called me up to tell me she just started dating and in excitement, we planned for a date so that I could meet Michael in person. I was in my senior year of college and I remember being pretty gung-ho about grilling this guy and determining whether or not he’d be a good fit for my best friend. I was ready to grill him and to nitpick at his answers because I couldn’t have just anyone date my best friend.

I think what surprised me most was that Michael wasn’t the kind of guy I was expecting him to be when he showed up. He was rather quiet and reserved in demeanor; the questions that I had prepared to ask him resulted with simple answers and to be frank, I found his answers to be a bit disappointing due to the lack of detail (or what I judged to be rather general and unspecific).

All I really remember about that night was that I ended up doing most of the talking and while I couldn’t really find anything wrong about Michael by the time it was over, in the back of my mind, I questioned whether he would be able to lead Tiffany spiritually and to take care of her. He didn’t seem to be the “leader type” in my opinion. (Random side note: Ironically, years later, Michael blogged about this topic here.)

My Soul Be Still

I’ve been quite distracted lately, with my thoughts scrambling all over the place and my feelings going from very high high’s to low low’s. I ponder and mull over my life until my head hurts and the ending result is still unknown. I hate to admit that my heart has been battling much discontentment, fear, and anxiety.

Yet the more that I try to think about possible scenarios of how the future will play out, the more restless I become. When I shared all my struggles with my discipler, she gently reminded me that I really needed to surrender my future to God. Instead of thinking in circles and freaking out about the unknown, I should be praying and praying some more.

A Foreigner

(Photo Credit: Chus’ Life)

In a few hours, I will be flying across the Pacific Ocean to another land, to a completely different culture than what I step out into every morning here in the States. In a way, I will be going home, since I will be reunited with family members that I have missed. It’s odd that while I have spent the majority of my short life so far in California, there is still a part of me that is deeply and strongly attached to my roots in Taiwan. I seriously love that land and its people.

This will probably be my shortest trip ever at just a two-week-long stay, but in that time, I am excited to see family and friends that I have not seen in years, and to eat foods that make Taiwan famous. My schedule will be pretty packed because every moment is precious. After all, I have no idea when I plan to return again. It could be in a year, or another three to five. Every minute does count. Every conversation is important.